Sunday, October 14, 2018
Over the years and my time having therapy they have always advised on writing letters to help me clear my head. I wrote a letter to my step dad and that helped me so much. I have many letters to write, but I think as it's me struggling with my own self perhaps writing a letter to me may help, well let's hope so anyway!
Dear my younger self,
I want to tell you to enjoy life to the full, try new things and meet new people. You only have one or two strong friends and you will push them away, one completely as you realise she is not a friend and the other you will keep pushing away and she will accept you and put up with you. You need to make more of an effort with her as she will help you out when you really need her in many ways. She will be your friend for life. She will force you to finally realise that you are depressed and it's ok to get help. She will make you see the doctor and she will be on the end of the phone to talk you through it. You need to be there for her too. You will struggle to make friends and won't want to go out ever, I know you are laughing as you are the girl out drinking and partying every week, wild holidays and having fun. That won't last as it's not really you.
Relationships...ok don't be stubborn and push away those who you actually love because they won't come back and they will move on. Those who you want to meet and go out with do it or so many years on you will be sitting here wondering why the hell not as you missed out there! You will marry but not for love, and then you'll be stuck in a loveless marriage until you find the strength to leave. Yes it's tough and and yes it will be hard being a single mum of two but hey it's more than worth it for these two beauties. And you may meet someone else one day.
Drink, paracetamol or night nurse do not help. They may make you feel good at the time but that's just silly. You are stronger than that and you don't need them.
You will fight with mum but she is your best friend and is always there for you. You have some tough times but you pull each other through. You would be lost and broken without mum.
When nan gets dementia and goes into a home you feel like you have lost your whole world, she has been like another parent and then she's gone and some days doesn't even recognise you. It's rubbish and it hurts. Remember to support mum through this as she will put on her brave face but is hurting so much inside.
Marks death will haunt you everyday for the rest of your life. You will never forget or get over him. And to date you still cry everyday. Hopefully one day the pain will get easier but I can't tell you that yet.
You will work in Italy and will find it hard but embrace it as you will learn so much from the experience and you will feel closer to dad, but that will make you angry that he was taken from us too soon. Make you wonder what life would have been like with a mum and a dad. How life would of been like with an Italian side of the family who wanted to know you.
As a early years practitioner you will have so much knowledge to help and guide you through parenting but there will be some really tough times and if you have a gut feeling go with it don't put it off or make excuses, your babies are the most important thing, make memories, take pictures and enjoy every minute with them.
You will struggle with everyday life even getting out of bed everyday. But you are so strong and you can do it!
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