Saturday, June 30, 2018

Is it OK to feel rubbish?

Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning? 

Go back to bed and start again.

What's wrong with you?

Crack a smile will you.

Snap out of it.

These are just some of the helpful things people have said to me over the years. When in reality it has taken all I have to actually get out of bed that morning. People don't understand. We all get the feeling I don't want to get up today, I'd rather stay in bed. Suffering with severe depression means that sometimes physically I cannot get out bed, I could just stay there forever, I don't want to see nor speak to anyone at all, ever. The thought of getting up and getting dressed is all too much. And having to go into the outside world and see other people, hell no. Please just leave me in my bubble I have a permanent do not disturb sign hanging over me. I'm done.

Now if I didn't have such a wonderful mum that would be the end of the story. But mum forcing me to talk everyday meant I had to. Mum calling in and checking up on me I knew that I would at least have to get out of bed. And now having my two babies means I can't feel like this. Yes I wish I could stay in bed, but with these two no chance! My children and my mum have saved me from myself. But yes I do still feel like hiding away and not communicating with the world but that's just not possible at the moment my son needs to go to pre school and soon school. I have to go out, I have to make the effort. I have to talk to other people. And we all no what school mummys are like...I have to look half decent and not like I have dragged myself out of my pit, my comfy black hole, where I feel safe. 

We are currently in the process of moving. I'm so excited to have a fresh start exactly where we want to be for the best for all three of us...I'm scared. I've got to do it all again. Meet new people. Find my way in a new area. Force myself to join groups for the children. But I know I have to. If it was just me I would stay in my new home making excuses but the babies need to go out and explore. Shane will be going to full time big school, still coming to terms with this! So I will put on my brave smile and go out and face the world. When my babies are asleep I can take off my brave smile and settle in my bubble until tomorrow. 

It is OK to feel low, it is OK not to always feel happy. It is OK to want to sit and cry. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be OK. YES it is OK to feel rubbish!

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