A letter to Mark

Dear Mark,

It's been sixteen years since you left, and I miss you everyday. I'm writing you this letter because I need to tell you how I feel and clear my head.

Why did you leave? How could you do this to us? How could you tell you would always be here for me and then never see me again? 

I hope I haven't been a disappointment to you, I've really struggled everyday since you have been gone. So many times I have thought, if I were dead then the hurting would stop and I could be near you again, but I couldn't do this to mum loosing you was horrendous enough. I wouldn't even think this now that I have my two babies and they would of loved you. You would have been the best granddad to them. I talk to them about you, I want them to feel like they know you. Shane likes knowing his granddad Markie is living with the angels and looking after us.

There are so many reminders of you, red candles, yellow roses, bright coloured pansies in spring, tacky Christmas decorations, chocolate limes and Gambian trousers to name a few. And obviously every time I see an Eddie Stobart I smile and check the numbers! 

Your favourite music, mum still wont allow Eminem to be played when she is around, beautiful south, Mel C and Cyndi Lauper. Talking of music Boyzone have just announced their final tour, would you break your arm again to get out of going to this one! 

I have so many feelings towards you I hate that you left. I hate that you had an illness and the fact you were suffering so badly and I couldn't help. I hate that if I mention your name there are tears all around even now. I hate that I miss you so much it hurts, I don't go a single day without thinking about you, talking to you and crying. I hate that I can't accept your gone. I hate that I'm forgetting your voice and your funny ways. 
I love the way you made mum feel in the good times. I love how you made me laugh. I love how you would do anything for me. I love the things you taught me. I loved the days I came to work with you. I love that you would go out of your way to help me. I love the way you wore the silly headdress I got you from Egypt on my school cruise. I love our nicknames and miss using them. I miss watching football with you. I'm sorry for everything maybe I wasn't a good step daughter I wish things were different. I wish you was here. I wish I could hear your voice, even to tell me off! I wish I could see your smile. I'm still so hurt and confused. 
I wish I could of seen you to say goodbye properly, I understand why I wasn't allowed but I feel I needed to see you and know you were at peace. I wish I could of seen you be buried but again I understand why I couldn't. 
I feel I never got the chance to say goodbye to you that one last time.  I love and hate that I am the only one to visit your grave. I hate that your headstone is so bare because they wouldn't allow our input. Your funeral was all wrong and I'm sorry, we knew what you wanted but none of it was allowed. 

I used to feel you around but I don't so much any more, have you gone for good?  

It's fathers day and I can't treat you, or give you a cuddle. But I love you and always will. 

Thank you for the times we had, and for being my dad. 

Happy fathers day x